Im back!!

After soo long not updating this journal, im back again.

Sorry about that, i just dont have the time to update this journal, with soo many going on around me….. school, cca, friends, so many things that i just couldnt keep up with time and contemplate and do some serious reflection.

Anyway… a brief description of whats happening around me…..

School is stressful( no wonder government spends billions on education ) and ive been basically staying back in school till 6 almost everyday! With Singapore Youth festivals coming around the corner, i have no choice but to practice and do my best for the competition. As Band Major, i must set an example and must always serve the band and the members. Thus far, ive been in this post long enough, but ive been contemplating and reflecting…… am i a good Band Major? Have I done my part in contributing to the band? Have I done enough? What will happen during SYF? Are we gonna get a bronze and condemn my life in Northland forever? Questions……. questions that needs answering, yet im unable to see it. How ironic.

I also have remedials everyday coz im doing my ‘O’ Levels this year and must do my best to aim going to a JC but my target is a Polytechnic. I want to take education life step by step and i want to study overseas and have lots of other great friends from other countries, bring back great experiences and joyous moments while i was there. Life is indeed wonderful. When youre chewing on life’s gristles, always look on the bright side of life.

I think my main motivation in doing well is to be able to get the Oakley glasses that i always wanted : JulietĀ®. Its soo sleek and worn by the X-men, Cyclops. ITS SOOOO COOL. Check it out at http://www.oakley.com
It cost sooo much, i think about 600++ bucks here in singapore. MUST HAVE IT!! IM OBSESSED BY IT !!!

Raf hadnt been doing too good. I dont want to say anymore.

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Song Dedication ‘Simon’ by lifehouse

Song Dedication ‘Simon’ by lifehouse

Catch your breath hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in
Your cage the only place where they will leave you alone ’cause the weak will
Seek the weaker until they’ve broken them could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense left you with no defense they tore it down and i have
Felt the same as you, I’ve felt the same as you, I’ve felt the same
Locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them ’til they’ve become just another crown
Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to
Fall can’t be weak, Can’t stand still you watch your back,
‘Cause no one will you don’t know why they had to go
This far traded your worth for these scars for your only
Company don’t believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you’re alright, You’re alright,
You’re alright

School is Reopening…… A long story about myself

School is Reopening…… A long story about myself

In a week, a new year will begin and a new school year will start. New principal, new teachers, new classroom, new layout of the school and many more.More challenges, as an individual, as a class, as a school. Activities and events happening in school will repeat again. Total Defence Day, Teacher’s Day, Youth Day, Chinese New Year, Crosscountry, Speech Day, Prefects Investiture and Singapore Youth Festival.

To a student’s point of view, the last year that he or she will be studying in the school is often dealt with the most toughest challenge… The ‘O’ Levels. Its coming and its coming fast. No time to play and little time to relax and contemplate. No turning back now. High hopes and expectations has been set for this year’s batch of students, my batch, the least number of Express students in the school. Every student is important. A failure in the cohort can mean a drop in a 1 to 2 percent in academic results achievement as a school. This is a heavy burden the teachers, the school and the students have to bear. I dunno what lies ahead. Whether it is grim or glorious, no one will know. Many things can change and will change. We must adapt to it. The school is transforming. For the past 3 years, we changed principals 3 times. That is a disturbing thought. It means that we need to change ourselves to adapt to the new principal’s way to management and expectations. Friendships made, friendships broken. It doesnt matter, for we will go on to our seperate ways in the future. But the one principal that i will always hold on dearly no matter what… friends never say goodbye. Ive made neither my resolutions for year 2003 yet, nor my goals or mission statement. Its overdue. I have no time actually. Ill try to find time for myself and review my mission statements, the most important thing that i must do. It is a reflection of yourself, what youll do for the year, what are you goals and task that you must achieve for the new year no matter how small or how big. Achieving a goal is no simple task. Many things will hinder you. I myself had been through a very tough part of my life. 2 years ago, and from now to the end of my secondary school life. I think that everyone is going through their most difficult and toughest part of their life on their final year of secondary school, but i feel that im the one suffering more than the others. Many people have too much and too high expections of me. I fear that i cant achieve their expectations and the fear is growing everyday. Whenever i find time to contemplate, its difficult for me to find and remember the joyous occasions that i had with my friends and family. Also if my friends has a certain expectation that they want from me, i cant see it. What are their expectations as a friend, a companion, a helper? What will they think of me if i dont meet their expectation? Ive not recieved any remarks or rumours about my behaviour or attitude or anything about me (not that im bad or anything). And i always assume that the way i reacted to things and behave towards people and things is correct, but its a disturbing thought because you dont have a mirror in front of you ,telling you what is right and what is wrong.Im a non violent person, cheerful, always love to hang out with my friends, avoid confrontations, and sort of a ‘yes-man’, “anything-will-do” kind of person.
i dont resort to violence and revenge. Im the forgiven type of person. But the things i do, the job that im taking, as a band major, is against my nature! Man, im crying while im typing!! I cant believe this! This has never happened to me before!
I have a lot to say but i cant continue….

One month later… almost…

A summary of whats going on in my life this past month:

Band Exchange and Honor band concert:

On the 30th of October, my Band had a band exchange with 2 other school and an honor band concert, which is basically picking out the best players from the 3 schools, combine them together and play music together in the concert. The concert was a full house and it was a great experience and we did very well overall. I am proud of my band and myself as i had never before explore beyond my learning capabilites in the aspects of music making.

Hari Raya Aidilfitri:
The fasting was over and i get to eat and crave to foods which i had not eaten for the past month and we also celebrate the joyous occasion with my friends and family and get to visit each other’s houses and collect green packets.

Holiday bored as usual:
Nothing to do and bored as hell. Im not depressed though and thats a good thing. Some people are so bored at home that they do stupid and odd stuff but fortunately i can keep my sane long enough..

No time to write must hurry!!

Crash and Burn

This song is dedicated to my friends, and everybody who is reading this journal entry. To those who are lonely, bored, or doesnt have any loyal friends to be with you when you need them most, do not despair…

Artist: Savage Garden
Album: Affirmation
Song: Crash And Burn

When you feel alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know that you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It’s hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can’t take it anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You’re caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can’t face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over you’ll breathe again
You’ll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

Graduation song

I know its too early to post this song and dedicate this to my friends, but i couldnt wait to the day it arrives, so i just paste it anyway:

Graduation (friends forever)
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we’re gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave this year we won’t be coming back
No more hanging out cause we’re on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don’t have another day

Cause we’re moving on & we can’t slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn’t know much of love, but it came too soon

And there was me & you, & then we got real blue
Stay at home, talking on the telephone
We’d get so excited, we’d get so scared
Laughing at ourselves, thinking life’s not fair
And this is how it feels…

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever

So if we get the big jobs & we make the big money
When we look back now, will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule?

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won’t interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it’s not goodbye
Keep on thinking it’s a time to fly
And this is how it feels…

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever

La, la, la, la
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it’s like we’re women & men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it’s not goodbye
Keep on thinking it’s a time to fly

Why why why?

Why why why?

Here I am, sitting at Macdonalds Restaurant, writing my entry on paper. Its gonna be a long entry full of rantings and negative thoughts of what had happened to me recently. The reason why i wrote this entry in a restaurant is because im bored at home. Hopefully i can meet some of my friends, new and old passing by the busy corridor as i look through the glass panel. Its 2 in the afternoon and it gets pretty crowded during lunchtime.

The last few days had been stressful, negative and terrible to experience. Not only in band but the teachers and friends. Its the holdiay season but i’m still getting all these things. Dont they know what does the word holiday season mean? It means that we get to relax and hangout with friends, away from school as much as possible. Still im going back to school 3 days a week for band. What have i done to deserve this? Why am i getting these treatments? Why am i getting negative feelings? Why am i feeling hopeless? Why am i getting frustrated? Are my principles that i have hold on to for sooo long finally begining to abandon me? Have i change my attitude that drastically? Have I change alot, or is it the environment that im in? Are my choice of friends the right ones? Am i a good leader? So many questions, soo little time, soo little opinions, soo little help.

In band: My-teacher-in-charge will be leaving next month and soon the band will have a new teacher in charge. Again, I have to adapt and make necessary changes to suit the environment. Its barely a year and again i have to make changes and adapt. My present teacher in charge is not very happy with me. For no good reason, she just overreact and shouts at me in front of the whole band. What i think is right for the band is wrong to her. I cant seem to take initiatives on my own without the intervention of the teacher. It seems that i have led my teacher down and also the band down because i have not been a very good leader. Never in my life i oppose a teacher. Throughout my life in school, i always thought that the teachers are saviors who always make the right decisions but now, i just couldnt take it anymore and feel like shouting back at her but im afraid to do it.
She is a stuck up bitch. She even dared ask me whether i was mad at her when she shouted and overreacted at me the day before. argh!!!!!! She is doing injustice to me. Im in a dilemma right now. Being a leader is extremely hard and i dont think i am a natural born leader. Its hard to accept that you are a leader when you have led your teachers and members down many times.

I feel that im not a really good leader and that the teachers and peers have made a wrong choice. Im just too emotional and often take criticism too personally. These negative emotions are really compromising my dignity and principles which i have held up high for the past year. Being happy, proactive towards everything, make many friends, patience, endurance, commitment and working hard as reward is near. These are some of the priciples ive upheld. Now, it dont know whether im principle centered anymore.

This is a story about how a book changed my life:

Exactly one year ago, when i got my end-of-year-results, in Sec 2, my dreams were shattered when i realised that i couldnt get to a better class, triple science, double math. Although i was second in class position, i still couldnt get in because of my math, i failed my math badly. This result in going to another worthless class, with worthless students, worthless subjects, and a worthless future. That was what i thought at first. Some of my friends dont deserve to be in the first class, and some even failed their english but still manage to get in!! Some of my best friends whom i helped them alot in many ways, got in the better class, leaving me with nothing. From that point on, vengeance, hate, jealousy, frustrations, hopelessness and anger sets in. And i indulge into these emotions throughout the holidays. During the holidays, i felt frustrated and hopeless all the time. I rejected good friends’ invitation to hangout with them coz they are enjoying it since they are all in the better class, so why should i hangout with them?(vengeance and hatred) I stayed home and did some serious pondering and reflection on myself and quite some reading too. My social life and social interation was a flat zero back then.

Then one day, i went to Kinokuniya and was browsing some self help books on the shelf and came across this book entitled “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens”
I read a few pages and found out that this book will help a teenager change his attitude and become a better teen. It was such an expensive book since it was a bestseller but i bought it and began reading hoping that it could change my life.

2 weeks later, upon finished reading the book, I realized that this book has a lot of life lessons to learn. Its also very updated because the author knows how teenagers are faced with difficult challengers in the modern world nowadays. The book teaches you how to manage time and stress and how to balance your life and renewing your body, soul and mind. They book also thought me the power of writing goals and missiont statements that would reflect you during the year. I began settling down and began writing out a list of the goals that im gonna make the following year when the school reopens, and a list a mission statements that would reflect what are the things that im gonna do in that year to improve my attitude, and improve on a lot of things and accomplishing tons of opportunities are will be thrown to me during that year. It took about 2 hours to really think hard and write a these lists down. This is my mission statement for 2002:

1. Do not judge a book by its cover.
2. Be proactive.
3. Be principle-centered, the best way to get through your life.
4. Set reacheable goals.
5. Never take the simple things in life like friends, family trust and love for granted. You never know when its gonna run out or dissappear forever.
6. Appreciate other people’s differences and see their differences as a great advantage.
7. Go for every opportunity.
8. Do something different everyday.
9. be independent. Relying on you friends all the time just sucks! Trust me.
10. Don’t be afraid. Just do it. Don’t turn back as reward is near.
11. Treat every setback as a road to success and greater opportunity.
12. Use momentous moments to reach your goals and even exceed your expectations.
13. Think win-win, for I am a grape.
14. Be a prioritizer, not a procrastinator, Yes-man or slacker.
15. Plan ahead. Be balance.
16. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
17. Accept challenges and take risk.
18. Take time to renew yourself, your soul, your body and your relationships, with your friends and families.
19. Be a role-model in whatever you are at.
20. Your greatest fears can be your best friend if you know how to handle them well.
21. Don’t worry, be at you best.

With these mission statement that I have created and from that point on in my life, it changed my life completely. With that book, it changed my life totally, as if i had been reborn again and about to start my life afresh. Without it, i would not do well in my studies as i have shown it now, due to lack of inspiration from anybody and probably would do many nasty stuff, like breaking school rules and the likes. This book inspired me to reach my goals and do well in whatever im in.

Throughout that year, i perservered and its not easy mind you. Balancing so many things at one goal is no easy task and im amazed that the author who wrote this book understands how teenagers are faced with various problems nowadays as compared to teenagers 20 years ago. I began accepting my fate and began a new journey in friendship making, attitude-improving, principle-centered, academically-successful and many more, rather than to indulge in my past, negative emotions and the mistakes that i have done, since it no use turning back. By the end of the year, i made a lot of friends, stress-free, and basically happy at what i am in at that time. When the end-of-year-results were released, I was amazed! I got 1st in class position!! Never in my life have i acomplished such a daunting task. I must thank my friends who has helped me a lot during the process. Basically, we all help each other to acomplish their task (hopefully we did). All these hard work had been paid off! Statement 4,10,13,9, and 3 really worked well for me. I was so proud of myself and blessed that i made the right choice. During the course of that year, i continually strengthen my principles and spotted many paradigm shifts.