Torn Between Two Worlds.

Torn Between Two Worlds.

I am a product of 2 different cultures. I am a product of 2 different types of families of 2 different cultures. I am a product of 2 different types of families of 2 different cultures of 2 different types of affluence. I am a product of 2 different point of views about both cultures and thier way of life. Im torn between 2 worlds. Im torn between 2 worlds even with my own friends. Is there no way out?

Its difficult being raised under 2 different cultures at the same time. You know me, my parents are mixed. My father’s relatives are Chinese, one of my uncle a Buddhist and my aunt, a Catholic. My father was a Catholic who converted into Islam. On my other hand, my mother is a Malay, and im the product of both. Living a person being born out of a mixed family really opens up your mind to greater depths. I lets you look deeper into thier culture and the differences they all have. I celebrate Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, and Christmas. Of course, some might say that you are lucky to celebrate all these festivals with your relatives, but in truth, its tormenting! Youre torn between 2 worlds and you feel like youre nobody, you have no concrete sense of identity. Many people dont feel like what i truly feel.

But the point is that not only im torn between 2 cultures but also 2 different expectations that they have on me. Its hard for me to put it in words, but lets just say, that my fathers side of my relatives, my cousins and all, are very smart. All of them at least went to a Junior College and onto University. Even my father wants me to go to Junior College and i dunno what they would think of me when i do polytechnic. My mother’s side however when they reached N level, they are soo happy. So my dilemma is that im the product of both side, if one side only made to N level and the other, University, so i must go to polytechnic right? Its so funny when you think of it. Its an offsetting figure. Compromise.

But then again. When you realized the difference between both and you applied it to friends, it all adds up to a different story. Many of whom i made friends both comes from different races. Youve seen malay student having best friends with only thier Malay counterparts, but i have both from different races. I mixed confidently with both my malay friends and my chinese counterparts. You see, if you are mixed, you better understand thier behavioral patterns and thus you feel comfortable hanging out with both sides. Again its difficult to express the feelings that im feeling right now. Its like youre nowhere in the middle of this and that, with no concrete identity, you feel like youre lost. I feel that if a person is mixed, he or she better understand to a person’s need and will be better off judging a person.

Hanging out with friends of different races can be a headache. I never told anyone about this but sometimes it makes me sick, literally. As i say, each of them have different taste and sometimes its not easy to please everyone. Sometimes i feel that im a loser at planning outings. I’m very indecisive at these kinds of things because you have different feeling and urgencies that needs to me met to each of them. Sometimes when one is not happy with the arrangement and i have to change to make him or her comfortable and then the other might not be comfortable. In the end, im the one to blamed, im the one getting all messed up, im the one adapting to your taste, to your… whatever. Im always in the middle of things and im always making a sacrifice.

I have a group of friends closest to me, they are a very dynamic group of people, but sometimes somethings just cannot match. Sometimes, somethings are not compatible. Analyse each of them and you know what i mean. Analyse their dislikes and likes, thier interests and disinterest, anaylse thier daily activities and youll soon realized that i have a group of friends who just couldnt match up against another person when we go to outings of hang around some place else. Somebody will always dislike something that he or she likes and vice versa.

Sometimes i feel that i have too much freedom from my parents, i feel that despite what my friends have been through with thier parents, i feel that im the perfect. A perfect family, no conflicts, no financial constraints. Just living a normal healthy lifestyle, but what about the others, restrictions and constraint decreed by thier parents, a broken family, financial contraints all add up to the formula.

For example, going to a movie need money. Well some of my friends just couldnt afford the tickets and need to be informed weeks in advance, so that he or she could save and watch with us. Their are some who loves basketball, i practically loves the sport but never played them, some of my friends has a passion for the sport that they played everyday, morning to evening, untill they injure themselves. Whats more, they cannot be contacted, because they are simply not at home. Whenever i want to tell them about a study group or an outing tomorrow or the day after, i ended up telling them the last minute and they would blame me for telling them during the last minute and in the end, they couldn’t go, because they couldnt save enough money. Again, im caught in the middle. i can adapt, to go or not to go, its thier constraints and limitation that ended me being lonely, because im A OK.

Some may ask, if they cant adapt to you and your lifestyle, why dont YOU adapt to them, since you are A OK, you can easily adapt to them, along with their constraints and limitations. You know what, i did, and many times i did, but i just cant! I ended up sacrificing so much that sometimes i ended up wasting my time, sacrificing myself for them, and i ask myself often, is it worth it? like…. being early to an outing, waiting hours on end till they arrive only to give a pathetic excuse sincere or not i dont know! You think im being selfish? guess not, im being lenient towards these petty action and im the one sacrificing myself for all these, for all just to please everyone. If you cant please everyone, why must you dissapoint them? Sometimes i feel that i just cannot bear anymore. The pain of seeing someone dissapoint or not comfortable when you planned an outing with all your heart and soul and only ended up a disastrous outing. That is my biggest fear.

And thus, that is the main reason why i like the song sung by savage garden. I always listen to it everyday, to remind myself that im not alone.

Savage Garden
“Crash and Burn”

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it’s back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It’s hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can’t take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You’re caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can’t face they day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over you’ll breathe again
You’ll breathe again


Hi again…. Gosh im bored….

Hi journal….. im so bored that im resorting to writing my journal about my boredom. This is how bored i am now. Its Friday night, there arent any great T.V Programmes, chat rooms are boring, shopping centers never change and my computer is heating up. Its been a hot day and these past few days, not a drop of rain fell around here, and were are seeing reports of flood in China. My utility bill is sure gonna shoot up through the roof, my family has been using the air conditioner for the past few days, day and night.
American Idol 2 is over, my favourite Clay Aiken lost, Survivor over, exams over, for now and its been a boring day. No one is chatting with me in the chatrooms of my usual hangout, and im sitting ducks listening to Lifehouse.

The band Lifehouse is not bad. I like their songs. Its very meaningful. I never knew the names of the singer nor looked at their faces until recently. My my, they are really young and handsome, even though they have a deep voice and a voice like creed. I always envisioned their faces by hearing their voice. For that particular band, before looking at them, i always thought they have that rock band group looks like Creed or Audioslave, but boy was i wrong! They looked young, mid 20s by my guess, forgot thier birthdates, and they looked handsome, too handsome for a metal band.

Anyway, i just watched Linkin Park’s new MTV Video, they sung the song from Meteora, entitled “Faint”. It ok, nothing special, no special effects like they used to have in “In The End” and “Somewhere I Belong”, but the video suits the theme of the music. Looking forward to broadcasting on tv.

Watched Matrix a week ago. The special effects were mind blowing, but the plot and storyline is a little difficult to understand. There are scenes where i have no idea what they are talking about. I just managed to get the general idea and mananged to scrap a small chunk of the iceberg. Im watching Bruce Almighty, and Finding Nemo sometime next week.

My exam is almost over…..

My exam is almost over…..

In another few days, exams will be over! But its only mid-year. I still have to go through the ordeal.. Prelims and the big “O”. Life is sure fast. Its already May and i feel like i havent gone through March yet. The ironies. Sometimes when you have so many agendas, so many activities and you dont have time to reflect, time whizzes past you like no ones business. Small oppurtunities that come and go were never taken, because we are so caught up with our routine. Well, What can i say…. its 10 am in the morning and ive just woke up and now im eating Uncle Tobys Energy bars for breakfast.I like to have a heavy but quick breakfast. An example would be energy bars! It give you energy all through afternoon and you wont feel hungry fatigue and it comes in small packages! 5 minutes is all you need to eat that tiny bar. All the natural Goodness! Vitamins, minerals, proteins and carbohydrates. Okok Enough. Im getting out of point here.

Anyway, looking back at my performance for this mid year exams, I dont think i would be achieving 3As as ive set my goal for this exam. Maybe 1 would be it. We’ll just have to wait and see.

By the way, yesterday the winner of the american idol 2 was Ruben Studded! He’s quite good, but i prefer Clay Aiken to be the winner, he has a solid voice and can sing a range of genres. But most importantly, both of them have recording contracts and will be making an album for themself soon. Im gonna buy Clay’s album. The votes yesterday was soooo close! Its only like 13000 votes apart! Its the closest votes in history of american idol. Well, Two Thumbs Up for American Idol and im looking forward to the next installment of the programme. Next friday, The Amazing Race 4. That reality programme has been my personall favourite. I just cant wait to see the what has been installed for the contestants. I wonder where they’ll travel this time round. Well, you have to wait and see!

Sunday blues

Sunday blues

Ive nothing much to say anyway. Today’s group study was an utter failure….. again. Its nothing new. Its been like that since the past month. Only me and and aaron turned up for the group study. Jun Chong god knows where, Zadilah last minute change of plans and Uma lost in action. Cant blame anyone anyway….. mothers day. Today im not inspired to write much. Nothing interesting has cropped up lately. Haizz….. The Sunday Blues…. Im now listening to Savage Garden. I was digging through rows and rows of old cds and some new ones and came across Savage Garden. Great album. Inspirational songs. I still love the band even though the band has broken up. Well well, gotta go!

An Analysis of my Academic Performance

An Analysis of my Academic Performance

Can I really get 5 A’s for My GCE ‘O’ Level Exams? Im taking 6 subjects and my goal for my Second Language is a C6, the rest an A. Can i really get all A’s?

My parents told me that they’ll give me anything i want if i were to get all A’s. They have kept their word and its ultimately my choice whether i want to achieve it or not. Realistically speaking, im not a veeeery diligent or a hardworking student. My maths and English are above average, but not enough to get an A. The foundation of these 2 subjects has been somewhat ok. As i said, my parents will give me anything i wish for, ANYTHING!!.
I managed to achieve all A’s, this are the list of things that i want:

A Pair of Oakley Sunglasses.
A Pair of Oakley Shoes
A New Set of High-end Computers, my choice.
A New Handphone
Home theater system for the hall
Plasma Tv for the hall
A new wardrobe
A holiday

So far, these are the things that i want if i were to get all A’s. But i dunno. The problem is that i dont want to go to a junior college. I fear that if i were to get such a good result, not only i will get a wide range of courses to choose from but also pressure from many sources, telling me to get into a J.C. but i dont to. I just wanna go to a Polytechnic, take a bioengineering course, get a diploma, go ns and off to a degree far from here. I want to take my education step by step. I want a more practical approach to education, instead of books and notes and the endless lectures.

What do you think? Can i achieve my ultimate goal?


respect (HONOUR) noun [U]
1 politeness, honour and care shown towards someone or something that is considered important:
You really should treat your parents with more respect.
She has no respect for other people’s property (= She does not treat it carefully).

2 when you accept that something which is established or formally agreed is right or important and do not attempt to change it or harm it:
In their senseless killing of innocent people, the terrorists have shown their lack of respect for human life.
She grumbled that young people today have/show no respect for the law.

3 when you accept that different customs or cultures are different from your own and behave towards them in a way which would not cause offence:
She teaches the students to have respect for different races and appreciate the diversity of other cultures.

Respect, another foundation to the formation of friendship. Yet, it is also another important word and principle that i hold on to.

Whether it is respecting your parents, your family, your privacy, your elders or your friends, it means the same thing, to show care. In terms of friendship, it is one of the basic foundation. Respect goes in 2 ways. You have to treat your friend respect in order to get the respect you deserve in return.
Once respect is established, other factors are added in. Trust, companionship, reliability, dependence, and a sense of comfort.

It is good that you treat your friend as a unique individual. It means that they way you behave in front of your friends, the way you talk and the response you give must be unique to each individual and suit his or her needs. Meaning that the way you talk to friend A is different than the way you talk to friend B. If you manage to do this, your friend will feel comfortable in his or her comfort zone and he or she does not have to adapt to your style of communication. He or she will feel special and talking to the person.

It’s good to tease your friends once in a while, but teasing has its limits. Make sure your friend feels fine after a good tease and make sure that he doesnt take the teasing too seriously, after all it is just plain fun, no harm done. Make sure that after a good tease comfort him or her that you are not betraying him and make sure that he or she still has that measure or respect for you before and after the tease. Instill confidence towards your friend that you can still be depended on your friends.

Darn! Exam is coming!

Darn! Exam is coming!

Its 10.30pm. Im off to bed soon. Ive got exam tomorrow. Yeap, its the mid-year exam. (GROAN)Anyway, mid-year exam is pretty crucial to me coz this year is my final year in secondary school and ill be taking the Cambridge GCE ‘O’ level exams in november. That exam will determine my future. There is only 2 possibilities… make or break. I intend to make it and make it to the fullest and make i will!! Im treating this mid-year exam as a guage to where i stand in my academic performance, how much effort i have to put in to the respective subjects. Tommorrow will be the first paper of English and my second language. Then the real exam week will come the week after.

Well, ive got nothing to else to say, just wishing myself good luck for the exams and i hope that ill do well and get first in class again. (im not a nerd of anything, its just that…….. im me….. I can hangout like punks and skater boys if i want to mind you!!!)

Ive been getting alot of visits recently to my journal. Whoever it is…. thanks for your support. Ive never had this many hits before. And since im getting a lot of hits, im thinking of subscribing. I dunno, i dont have money right now. maybe in the future.