“Numb”

I don’t feel good today.I feel like ive not done much to my friends, in keeping them together as a team, Junchong, Aaron, Uma, and me. Ive been thinking over the last few days and i think that the group is slowly breaking apart, into half actually, Aaron and Junchong one half and the rest the other. Me? I’m in the middle. Dunno what to do. Whenever i organise group studies, some wont come, they organise outing, some wont come, its been a looong time since we really get together and do something together.

“Easier To Run” (Linkin Park)

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
It’s so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It’s easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It’s easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

“Numb” (Linkin park)

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
‘Cuse everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

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An analysis of my results.

An analysis of my results.

This Mid-year results has made me realized a few things. Some of my weaknesses and strengths are shown in this mid-year exams. I was surprised to see my results when it was made known to me during one of the days.

Thus far, i am well on my way to achieving my goal, although i still need to brush up of a couple of things and i still need loads of motivation and support from anybody within my reach. Here is a run-down of my results:

English: B4
Mother Tongue: C5
Maths:C6
Combined Science:B3
Combine Humanities:B4
POA:B3
To go to JC :L1R5: 25 points (Not a chance!)
To go to Poly:L1R4:20 points (Excluding MT)

My aim is to a poly at least. By looking at the number of points i have so far, i wouldnt be able to go a course i sorely desire, life sciences, biotechnology that requires AT LEAST a 14 points, based on last year’s JAE. And 9 to 12 points to a course in a poly nearer my home. As you can see, i still need alot of work to do in the next coming months.

This are the results that i at least wish to achieve:

English: B3
Mother Tongue: B4
Maths:B4
Combined Science:A1
Combine Humanities:A1
POA:A1
To go to JC :L1R5: 14 points (possible to go to a decent JC, if i want)
To go to Poly:L1R4:10 points (Jackpot) (Excluding MT)

With 10 points for my Poly entry, i could easily take a life sciences course.

This is my dream results, only in my dreams, coz if this were to happened, good things will come to me….

English: A
Mother Tongue: B
Maths:A
Combined Science:A
Combine Humanities:A
POA:A

You see, i only state a general A grade, it can be an A1 or an A2, it doesnt make any difference. As i said, if this were to come true, my parents are going to give me anything i desire from the bottom of my hearts. ~Haiz~…………..
Coming up next, commmenteries of my results.

Personality Tests

Personality Tests

Idealist, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self — always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealist are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping other find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individual and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealist are rare, making up no more than 8 to 10 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and thier idealism has given them influence far beyong thier numbers.

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Kingdomality- Benevolent Ruler

Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are the idealistic social dreamer. Your overriding goal is to solve the people problems of your world. You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions. On the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned. On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as deviously manipulative. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today’s corporate kingdoms.

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Self Esteem Test– 65100

According to this test, you have a reasonably high level of self-esteem. There is, however, still some room for improvement. You seem to experience some doubt about your own abilities, occasional feelings of inadequacy and possibly even question your own self-worth from time to time. Essentially, you sometimes get caught up in a vicious circle; if you believe that you cannot do something, your belief causes you to think and behave in a way that leads to your eventual failure. Although your self-esteem is generally healthy, and some insecurity is normal, it certainly can’t hurt to give your confidence a boost. There is a wide range of resources available out there on the subject, why not check them out? You’ll certainly see the long-term benefits – increased confidence, better relationships, less anxiety and an overall improved sense of well-being.

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About Type A and Type B Personality

According to scientific literature, Type A behavior is characterized by an intense and sustained drive to achieve goals and an eagerness to compete. Personalities categorized as Type A tend to have a persistent desire for external recognition and advancement. They are involved in various functions that bring about time restrictions. Such personalities have a tendency to speed up mental and physical tasks with extraordinary mental and physical alertness. These characteristics make for super-achievers and high-powered people.

Type A individuals can get a lot done and have the potential to really move ahead in the world. But there is a high price to pay. Certain components of such a personality can inhibit happiness and even threaten health. For example, the goals that Type A folks set are often poorly defined and therefore hard to achieve—a perfect recipe for misery.

Type A is also characterized by a general discontentedness and the impulse to be overly critical and demanding, even contemptuous of imperfection, in the self and others. This focus on negative aspects and the accompanying bursts of hostility, impatience result in guilt, remorse and anxiety.

Type A personalities are motivated by external sources (instead of by inner motivation), such as material reward and appreciation from others. Type A folks experience a constant sense of opposition, wariness, and apprehension–they are always ready for battle. And anyone can imagine how this constant (and very exhausting) existence would deplete reserves of contentment and happiness and disrupt personal equilibrium.

Although the literature is somewhat inconsistent because of problems with the conceptualization and definition of Type A behavior patter, it has been linked to higher risks of cardiovascular diseases. The risks seemed to be reduced with intervention aimed at reducing Type A behavior. Indeed, those with a high Type A score would be happier and healthier if they were to file down the jagged edges of their personality. By learning how to control the negative behavior patterns while preserving their drive, Type A people can be successful without sacrificing their emotional well-being.

Type B behavior is usually defined as the absence of Type A behavior. Type B personalities are relaxed and have a laid-back attitude and posture. They are friendly, accepting, patient, at ease, and generally content. They are at peace with themselves and others. They show a general sense of harmony with people, events, and life circumstances. They tend to be trusting. They focus on the positive aspects of things, people and events. Type B folks are self-encouraging, have inner motivation, are stable and have a pleasant mood. They are interested in others and accept trivial mistakes. They have an accepting attitude about trivial mistakes and a problem-solving attitude about major mistakes. They are flexible and good team members. The Type B person is able to lead and be led.

Result: 38100

What does your score mean?

Your attitude to life is very relaxed and hedonistic. The hostile, aggressive and competitive part of you surfaces rarely, if ever. You are easy and fun to be around. The down side is that you seem to take everything so easy that you might miss on important opportunities. Make sure you are just being cool and relaxed-and that it’s not getting to the point that you simply don’t care much about anything. Try to put some structure into your life-get organized. Pay more attention to what you are doing and focus

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Results of Your Assertiveness Test : 48100

According to your results on the Assertiveness Test, you seem to be doing relatively well in standing up for yourself. In most day-to-day situations, you possess the necessary skills and inner-confidence to tell others what you need, think or want. There may be the occasional moment, however, when you find yourself hesitating to declare your view on things. Why not take some steps to improve your ability to stand up for yourself, since you’ve already mastered the basics? You have nothing to lose, but plenty to gain.
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Goal Setting Exercise Score: 3 (veryhigh)

You set very high goals on the Goal-Setting Exercise. Although you didn’t go so far as to aspire to the impossible, your goals were rather unrealistic. While aiming for the top is certainly not a bad thing, make sure you shoot so high that it leads to frustration or disappointment. Take a look at your approach to goals in career/studies, relationships and everyday life; do you often feel disappointed when you are unable to reach your objectives, or give up when they seem too insurmountable? Stay aware of this tendency and tone it down a bit, for your own benefit. Success takes time and hard work, and is best approached in small, digestible chunks. You can still shoot for the big-time, but break down goals so you can clearly observe your progress. You’ll be less likely to throw in the towel when things don’t go as smoothly as planned! Remember that success does not come overnight, but achieving your dreams is worth the time, effort, and patience! As Lowell once wrote, “There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”

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Your ACT Self-Profile

The ACT Profile uses reliable and valid methods to assess which personality attributes are prominent for you. Your scores on each of the 11 personality traits are displayed on the profile below. Scores for each of the traits are displayed in percentiles created from a database of professionals, including some from your organization. The center point of the circle equals zero and the four concentric circles mark the 25th, 50th, 75th, and 100th percentiles comparing you to the database of professionals.

1 Helpful (score = 48)
2 Sociable (score = 56)
3 Need for Approval (score = 65)
4 Dependent (score = 69)
5 Tense (score = 31)
6 Rigid (score = 10)
7 Controlling (score = 15)
8 Competitive (score = 65)
9 Conscientious (score = 81)
10 Achieving (score = 40)
11 Innovative (score = 17)

Your ACT Self Profile is a snapshot of your personality. The longest/largest shaded areas show which traits are most prominent and characterize your presence. If, for example, you score 82% on Competitive, it means that 18% of people are more competitive than you are and 81% of people are less competitive. This is a moderately high score compared to other people-higher than four out of five people. A score of 8% on Sociable is a hard sign that you are not a people person, given that 92% of people are more sociable.

You are:
-Motivated to produce high quality results
-Wants to get along with others
-Serious, not often spontaneous
-Disciplined, detail-oriented
-Can work well independently or on a team
-Likes to be noticed and recognized for efforts
-Analytical, prefers to look carefully before leaping
-A perfectionist; may not produce timely results_
-Conservative
-Respectful to others, diplomatic
-Reliable and restrained – not impulsive
-Likes rules and procedures
-Works best in a structured setting

Torn Between Two Worlds.

Torn Between Two Worlds.

I am a product of 2 different cultures. I am a product of 2 different types of families of 2 different cultures. I am a product of 2 different types of families of 2 different cultures of 2 different types of affluence. I am a product of 2 different point of views about both cultures and thier way of life. Im torn between 2 worlds. Im torn between 2 worlds even with my own friends. Is there no way out?

Its difficult being raised under 2 different cultures at the same time. You know me, my parents are mixed. My father’s relatives are Chinese, one of my uncle a Buddhist and my aunt, a Catholic. My father was a Catholic who converted into Islam. On my other hand, my mother is a Malay, and im the product of both. Living a person being born out of a mixed family really opens up your mind to greater depths. I lets you look deeper into thier culture and the differences they all have. I celebrate Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, and Christmas. Of course, some might say that you are lucky to celebrate all these festivals with your relatives, but in truth, its tormenting! Youre torn between 2 worlds and you feel like youre nobody, you have no concrete sense of identity. Many people dont feel like what i truly feel.

But the point is that not only im torn between 2 cultures but also 2 different expectations that they have on me. Its hard for me to put it in words, but lets just say, that my fathers side of my relatives, my cousins and all, are very smart. All of them at least went to a Junior College and onto University. Even my father wants me to go to Junior College and i dunno what they would think of me when i do polytechnic. My mother’s side however when they reached N level, they are soo happy. So my dilemma is that im the product of both side, if one side only made to N level and the other, University, so i must go to polytechnic right? Its so funny when you think of it. Its an offsetting figure. Compromise.

But then again. When you realized the difference between both and you applied it to friends, it all adds up to a different story. Many of whom i made friends both comes from different races. Youve seen malay student having best friends with only thier Malay counterparts, but i have both from different races. I mixed confidently with both my malay friends and my chinese counterparts. You see, if you are mixed, you better understand thier behavioral patterns and thus you feel comfortable hanging out with both sides. Again its difficult to express the feelings that im feeling right now. Its like youre nowhere in the middle of this and that, with no concrete identity, you feel like youre lost. I feel that if a person is mixed, he or she better understand to a person’s need and will be better off judging a person.

Hanging out with friends of different races can be a headache. I never told anyone about this but sometimes it makes me sick, literally. As i say, each of them have different taste and sometimes its not easy to please everyone. Sometimes i feel that im a loser at planning outings. I’m very indecisive at these kinds of things because you have different feeling and urgencies that needs to me met to each of them. Sometimes when one is not happy with the arrangement and i have to change to make him or her comfortable and then the other might not be comfortable. In the end, im the one to blamed, im the one getting all messed up, im the one adapting to your taste, to your… whatever. Im always in the middle of things and im always making a sacrifice.

I have a group of friends closest to me, they are a very dynamic group of people, but sometimes somethings just cannot match. Sometimes, somethings are not compatible. Analyse each of them and you know what i mean. Analyse their dislikes and likes, thier interests and disinterest, anaylse thier daily activities and youll soon realized that i have a group of friends who just couldnt match up against another person when we go to outings of hang around some place else. Somebody will always dislike something that he or she likes and vice versa.

Sometimes i feel that i have too much freedom from my parents, i feel that despite what my friends have been through with thier parents, i feel that im the perfect. A perfect family, no conflicts, no financial constraints. Just living a normal healthy lifestyle, but what about the others, restrictions and constraint decreed by thier parents, a broken family, financial contraints all add up to the formula.

For example, going to a movie need money. Well some of my friends just couldnt afford the tickets and need to be informed weeks in advance, so that he or she could save and watch with us. Their are some who loves basketball, i practically loves the sport but never played them, some of my friends has a passion for the sport that they played everyday, morning to evening, untill they injure themselves. Whats more, they cannot be contacted, because they are simply not at home. Whenever i want to tell them about a study group or an outing tomorrow or the day after, i ended up telling them the last minute and they would blame me for telling them during the last minute and in the end, they couldn’t go, because they couldnt save enough money. Again, im caught in the middle. i can adapt, to go or not to go, its thier constraints and limitation that ended me being lonely, because im A OK.

Some may ask, if they cant adapt to you and your lifestyle, why dont YOU adapt to them, since you are A OK, you can easily adapt to them, along with their constraints and limitations. You know what, i did, and many times i did, but i just cant! I ended up sacrificing so much that sometimes i ended up wasting my time, sacrificing myself for them, and i ask myself often, is it worth it? like…. being early to an outing, waiting hours on end till they arrive only to give a pathetic excuse sincere or not i dont know! You think im being selfish? guess not, im being lenient towards these petty action and im the one sacrificing myself for all these, for all just to please everyone. If you cant please everyone, why must you dissapoint them? Sometimes i feel that i just cannot bear anymore. The pain of seeing someone dissapoint or not comfortable when you planned an outing with all your heart and soul and only ended up a disastrous outing. That is my biggest fear.

And thus, that is the main reason why i like the song sung by savage garden. I always listen to it everyday, to remind myself that im not alone.

Savage Garden
“Crash and Burn”

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it’s back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It’s hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can’t take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You’re caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can’t face they day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over you’ll breathe again
You’ll breathe again

Hi again…. Gosh im bored….

Hi journal….. im so bored that im resorting to writing my journal about my boredom. This is how bored i am now. Its Friday night, there arent any great T.V Programmes, chat rooms are boring, shopping centers never change and my computer is heating up. Its been a hot day and these past few days, not a drop of rain fell around here, and were are seeing reports of flood in China. My utility bill is sure gonna shoot up through the roof, my family has been using the air conditioner for the past few days, day and night.
American Idol 2 is over, my favourite Clay Aiken lost, Survivor over, exams over, for now and its been a boring day. No one is chatting with me in the chatrooms of my usual hangout, and im sitting ducks listening to Lifehouse.

The band Lifehouse is not bad. I like their songs. Its very meaningful. I never knew the names of the singer nor looked at their faces until recently. My my, they are really young and handsome, even though they have a deep voice and a voice like creed. I always envisioned their faces by hearing their voice. For that particular band, before looking at them, i always thought they have that rock band group looks like Creed or Audioslave, but boy was i wrong! They looked young, mid 20s by my guess, forgot thier birthdates, and they looked handsome, too handsome for a metal band.

Anyway, i just watched Linkin Park’s new MTV Video, they sung the song from Meteora, entitled “Faint”. It ok, nothing special, no special effects like they used to have in “In The End” and “Somewhere I Belong”, but the video suits the theme of the music. Looking forward to broadcasting on tv.

Watched Matrix a week ago. The special effects were mind blowing, but the plot and storyline is a little difficult to understand. There are scenes where i have no idea what they are talking about. I just managed to get the general idea and mananged to scrap a small chunk of the iceberg. Im watching Bruce Almighty, and Finding Nemo sometime next week.

My exam is almost over…..

My exam is almost over…..

In another few days, exams will be over! But its only mid-year. I still have to go through the ordeal.. Prelims and the big “O”. Life is sure fast. Its already May and i feel like i havent gone through March yet. The ironies. Sometimes when you have so many agendas, so many activities and you dont have time to reflect, time whizzes past you like no ones business. Small oppurtunities that come and go were never taken, because we are so caught up with our routine. Well, What can i say…. its 10 am in the morning and ive just woke up and now im eating Uncle Tobys Energy bars for breakfast.I like to have a heavy but quick breakfast. An example would be energy bars! It give you energy all through afternoon and you wont feel hungry fatigue and it comes in small packages! 5 minutes is all you need to eat that tiny bar. All the natural Goodness! Vitamins, minerals, proteins and carbohydrates. Okok Enough. Im getting out of point here.

Anyway, looking back at my performance for this mid year exams, I dont think i would be achieving 3As as ive set my goal for this exam. Maybe 1 would be it. We’ll just have to wait and see.

By the way, yesterday the winner of the american idol 2 was Ruben Studded! He’s quite good, but i prefer Clay Aiken to be the winner, he has a solid voice and can sing a range of genres. But most importantly, both of them have recording contracts and will be making an album for themself soon. Im gonna buy Clay’s album. The votes yesterday was soooo close! Its only like 13000 votes apart! Its the closest votes in history of american idol. Well, Two Thumbs Up for American Idol and im looking forward to the next installment of the programme. Next friday, The Amazing Race 4. That reality programme has been my personall favourite. I just cant wait to see the what has been installed for the contestants. I wonder where they’ll travel this time round. Well, you have to wait and see!

Sunday blues

Sunday blues

Ive nothing much to say anyway. Today’s group study was an utter failure….. again. Its nothing new. Its been like that since the past month. Only me and and aaron turned up for the group study. Jun Chong god knows where, Zadilah last minute change of plans and Uma lost in action. Cant blame anyone anyway….. mothers day. Today im not inspired to write much. Nothing interesting has cropped up lately. Haizz….. The Sunday Blues…. Im now listening to Savage Garden. I was digging through rows and rows of old cds and some new ones and came across Savage Garden. Great album. Inspirational songs. I still love the band even though the band has broken up. Well well, gotta go!