Paradigm

paradigm noun [C] FORMAL
a model of something, or a very clear and typical example of something:
Some of these educators are hoping to produce a change in the current cultural paradigm.

paradigm shift noun [C] FORMAL
when the usual and accepted way of doing or thinking about something is changed

These two words are very important to me. It is a constant reminder when dealing with friends. When your perspective and impression of a friend changes, that is paradigm shift. It is when the usual and accepted way of doing of thinking about sonething is changed. It can be a good thing, a tightening of friendship and it also be a bad thing, when the bonds of friendship shatters.

I just experience one such paradigm shift this afternoon. Im glad to see the shift, for if it had been otherwise, id surely lose a friend.

This afternoon i planned to have a study group with some of my friend at burger king. Some couldnt make it, so it was just left me aaron and zadilah. I arrived there at 12 in the afternoon, the designated time to start our group study. As always im the first to arrive, big deal. I started my own self study instead of waiting for them. I did my study and i realized that they were all very late. An hour later , none arrived and im still here waiting for them. At that point i was furious and curious at the same time. Curious because i couldnt contact through thier home and furious because none called me to keep me updated about thier whereabouts and why they were late. So i just kept quiet and continued studying. Just then Zadilah called and told me that she couldnt come. Thats fine with me because she already told me that she may not come for the groupstudy the day before. Aaron however still didnt arrived yet and when i called his home, no one answered.

Half an hour later, extremely furious at aaron, i got up and left the place, did some shopping before i head for home. I did some shopping because i was thinking why he didnt turn up for the group study and not even calling me about it. I was also thinking on how to confront him on monday, what should i say to him, in what tone, angry or just plain shouting and idle threats. Its not normal for him to not attend the group study without telling me. I even came up sort of a speech for aaron and that point on, all in mind was boycotting aaron for a very long time. I was getting sick and tired of playing friendship games here, its not fair for me to suffer at bk with absolutely no idea where the guys are and feeling hopeless, and a loner there. Im like being used as a pawn on a grand chessboard. I feel that its time to have my rights to shout at my friends to wake them up from what they were doing to me! Its really not fair for them to say sorry and live on while i basically have to suffer through the whole journey!

Anyway enough of my ranting, I was doing shopping when my handphone rang. It was aaron, finally he called. I answered feeling disgusted, and he immediately apologise for being late ( like that’s gonna help) and explained that he got a street soccer match ( what?! Are you out of your mind!?) and he also said that he has told me about it in advance during class that he might be late because of the street soccer match. I froze. Did he? I remember something about that didnt know that the match was gonna take place on that day and time. He then said that he will be coming for the group study immediately. I told him that im leaving but i didnt shout at him on the phone ( i was in a gift shop duh!) but he insisted.

And so i went back, waiting for him and he finally arrived. I kept quiet, for like 15 minutes and then he told me everything about the soccer match, told me that he notified me about this match in advance already. I then realized my mistake. A paradigm shift. It was not his fault for coming late, It was my fault that i didnt paid attention to him and he told me about it that made me angry. And suddenty my perspective change, my impression about him changed. I no longer felt angry towards him anymore, and that paradigm shift saved our friendship. Had i not been a listener when he was talking on the phone, I would not know the consequences.

Paradigm shift

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Macdonalds

Macdonalds

Today I have nothing much to say, i just wanna tell you one of the many places that i will remember throughout my entire life. It all started at one of the Mac Donalds outlets in Yishun, Chong Pang, in the community club.

One day, after my usual saturday band practice, i was summoned for an urgent committee meeting. Since i was already a treasurer at that time, i was one of the committee. So i was summoned by the teacher in charge and she told me to meet at macdonalds, at the community club on Sunday morning, to my dismay, i had no other choice but to attend the meeting. I knew what the meeting was all about, but i did not know what to expect during the meeting. That meeting was one of my turning points of my life.

I arrived there on time at 8 all the way from woodlands. I was one of the first few to arrive and i thought that maybe i could have some breakfast before the meeting were to begin. So i grab some breakfast. The rest of the members came after 15 minutes and so was the teacher. I finished my breakfast before than and the meeting started.

First it went well, we talked about the band and whats the band’s standard and try to resolve some issues that werent so important. After that, we began to discuss about the selection of then new committee for the band. By the way one of my senior was there and soon she handed my the piece of paper nicely folded up and pushed it towards me. I knew what was inside that was SHOCKED to see what is really inside! I unfolded the piece of paper and began scanning through the paper. Inside contained a list of names who had been selected to be a member of the committee. I looked to see who was to be the next Band Major and was shocked and shaken to see the person to be……….. me. My stomach churned violently as if someone punched me in my stomach. My heart was pumping wildly as if its gonna come out of my chest. My head throbbed violent upon recieving information from my eyes and deciphering what was it what my eyes were seeing. For the next few minutes, i was speechless. Not a word uttered from then on.

The news was so sudden, as if i could have nearly fainted there. No one told me that i was soon to be the next Band Major. I told myself that this must be a mistake and that their decision is wrong. Me? A Band Major? How could I? What have i proved to them that i could be the next best candidate to take over the job? How could a timid little boy be a succesful candidate in taking over an astounding responsibility? I would be a laughing stock in front of the whole band. ” They must be joking” was all in my head all the time during the meeting.

I told the news to my parents and i nearly cried. No… I cried in secrecy, in isolation, behind the shadows for many days. I felt like i wanted to kill myself for being sooo stupid by letting them choose me as a successful candidate.
I was in a daze, and if im not wrong i was sick during one of those periods. I tend to get ill if there is a sudden surge of pressure and stress from a source at such a short time span. I did not know what to do, sleeplessness, restlessness, dreaming all day long was what i did when i recieved the shocking news.

Its been months now and still coping with the life of a Band Major. Although the term is only one year, its THE one year that completely transformed my life forever. Its hard to be a band major. You feel tired, fatigued, you have no sense of freedom around you. Everyday, its a constant struggle for me and everyday, time catches with me. Im always against time because my job is very demanding and requires excellent sense of urgency when doing a duty and an excellent sense of time. Im already sec 4 and its only been like months since i left primary school. In another few months, or in relativity, a few days, i would have graduated from this school. Life is soo fast for me. Too fast for me to cope. The passing of time has lead me to the inability to reflect my life, to reflect myself on what i have done today, yesterday, last week, or last month. There is no time for this and everytime i find time to reflect, its no use for it is already obsolete and we have to move on.

Sometimes i wonder if the things that i do in life this past months since i became a band major has been right for me, my friends or for the band. As i said i dont have time to reflect on this things and i always fear people’s opinion and im being sensitive to sarcasm and criticism. No one understands or how one feels to be a band major when he or she criticise and make sarcastic remarks about me. When someone calls me “Band Major” when i did something wrong, or something childish or something stupid, i feel like a bat has hit my face. It pains me to hear that.

The most powerful words, FEAR, HOPELESSNESS, TIRESOME, PRESSURE, STRESS, DEMANDING,

What a day!

Its 10 o’clock and ive just finished my stupid Accounts homework. Ah screw the homework. You know, ive never been sooo tired that even my emotions are are all messed up. I just dont feel anything. Its like youre half angry at yourself and you the other half feeling normal. Its like youre in the middle of nowhere. Im listening to Linkin Park Reanimation DVD audio version and even that cant even lighten my mood. I feel like a loser today…. today ive failedn tomorrow i shall succeed and see the day brightens before my very eyes. Im confident of tomorrow, for it is soo unpredictable and therefore you can think of sooo many wonderful things that you can do with anybody you are with. Live today for tomorrow’s a dream. I came back from school at around 6.30 and now its almost bedtime……… how i wish a day has more than 24 hours….. or we dont have to sleep at all and we can use all the extra time of sleeping doing something eles instead. I wanna make this entry a very general one, nothing in particular that i want to talk about today for i have no interest in talking about what had happened today. Its just not worth my time typing it all down.

Time to review my Mission Statement

Time to review my Mission Statement

1. Be hardworking.
2. Do not judge a book by its cover.
3. Be proactive.
4. Be principle-centered, the best way to get through your life.
5. Set reachable goals.
6. Never take the simple things in life for granted. Do no neglect your friends and love ones.
7. Appreciate other people’s differences and see their differences as a great advantage.
8. Go for every opportunity.
9. Do something different everyday no matter how small the action is.
10. Be independent. Relying on your friends all the time just sucks! Trust me.
11. Don’t be afraid. Just do it. Don’t turn your back for reward is near.
12. Treat every setback as a road to success and greater opportunity.
13. Use momentous moments to reach your goals.
14. Think win-win, for I am a grape.
15. Be a Prioritizer, not a Procrastinator, Yes-man or Slacker.
16. Plan ahead, ba balance. Don’t stress out.
17. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
18. Accept challenges. Take risk.
19. Take time to renew yourself, your body, your soul, you relationship.
20. Be a role model in whatever you are at.
21. Your greatest fear can be your best friend if you know them well.
22. Don’t worry.
23. Be yourself, reject negative peer pressure.

I think its important to review ones mission statement, so that one will not sway from what he is right now. A mission statement can be a very powerful tool if you utilise them well.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!??

WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!??

This is the second time im writing this exact same journal entry because my computer jammed while i was writing this.
Anyway, im glad that ive chosen this easyjournal service. Alot of improvements has been made and a new subscription services has been provided to people who want to get more from their journal. Im still thinking whether or not to subscribe. The subscription services is quite expensive though…

Back to the real topic that i want to talk about. Its been a long time since i last typed a journal entry. All the past entries has been nothing but song dedications, about me, about my friends whether im angry at them or happy about them or just wishing them well in the future. There are a couple of reasons why i was not writing much this past month. I simply dont have time to do it. All i can do is to have song dedications( which i find it annoying) to reflect about whats happened this past month. It may be very indirect but it means something to me. At least im still thinking about my friends and im not treating my friends like nobody. I have a place in my heart for my friends however close or distant. Friends are the very pillars of our social aspects of life. Without them , we will be like robots, no feeling, no heart. Friends are useful in many ways; physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, and psychologically. But the true meaning of friendship is a rather complex subject with a rather complex answers; an answer that has no definition. Its easy just by hearing the word “friendship” but its difficult to grasp at the meaning. So shallow yet so profound.

In my experience,true friendship involves many things. Trust, responsibility, commitment, hope, understanding, care… you name it and a heart. All this time, ive been hanging out and mingling with my closest friend, but none can come close to me definition of true friendship. That is why i dont have “best friends”. I only have very good friends that i can be with and put my trust in them. They help me see a brighter day, they help me bear the burden that ive put on my shoulder, it is they that share my happiness and my misery. But ive yet to find the one true friend that fits my description. Its hard to explain in detail, as ive said that true friendship has no real definition. True friendsip requires experience and many great memories that we can dig in the future.
I cannot say more, since this is the second time im writing this same thing, and its different from the first, because when you are writing for the first time in your heart, you can never recall it again or have that moment when you feel like you want to show your heart to the world. The door opens only briefly.

This talk about friendship brings me to my question. What is wrong with me? What is it that makes soo difficult in finding a simple friend? Not the perfect friend that i wish to have but a simple and trustworthy friend, a friend who can i can trust beyond anybody else. Why is it soo difficult? Is it because we live in a modern world? Is it becuase we are busy with our own lives? Yes, no, maybe?

I really dunno why but there is another question lingering in my mind; are other seeing me as a true friend to them? Or are they as desperate and in the same dilemma as me?
The group of friends that i normally mingle with are fun to be around but i doubt their trust and honesty. There are many occasions whereby we have fun outside, going to theaters, to the mall, to the shopping areas and when im invited to this gathering, i always make sure whether or not im free before saying yes, and when i do said yes, i am actaully making a promise, a pact, a swear, an oath, a treaty that I, Muhammad Jasrie hereby declare that i will be present at the appointed time and place as stated, puntually and without fail under normal circumstances.
Thus far i have been making the promise now and again, but are my friends doing that same thing? Im always the first to arrive at the appointed time and place and im always present whenever im invited to anything. But are my friends doing that? And that is not that, THEY plan i follow but it seems that whenever i plan something or suggested something, an outing for anything it doesnt seemed to be succesful. Im not talking about how it should proceed, im talking about the people present there. You know, im always there first and I have to wait. IT IS I WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO ANTICIPATE THEIR ARRIVAL, RATHER THAN THEM TO ANTICIPATE MY ARRIVAL. What are they? The Queen of England?! It is not fair, simply not fair! My rants can get more worse than this. This is my inner hatred, from the bottom of my heart i dug my deepest hatred that i always fear letting it out.

Whats wrong with me? Am i being too perfect? Do i have anything to hinder this progress of going there punctually? Do i have any excuses for im being late? Most of the time, im always the first i dunno why….

I cannot blame them for being late or making up excuse why they couldnt come to the outing when I was the one PLANNING IT. their excuses can be unexpected at times and sincere so what to do? abandon my principles that i so dearly hold on to ever since i read the book? Or do i make last minute excuses so that i can get my revenge?

Song Dedication to all my friends

Today nothin much to say, i just wanted to dedicate this meaningful song to all my wonderful friends out there…. here and abroad and a sweet little girl, Jamie whom i chatted with yesterday. Indeed its been a great time chatting with you!

Savage Garden
“Crash and Burn”

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it’s back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It’s hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can’t take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You’re caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can’t face they day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it’s over you’ll breathe again
You’ll breathe again

A song Dedication for a special friend of mine in my heart

The Calling
“For You”

I am a vision, I am justice
Never thought that I could love
Living in shadows, faded existence
It was never good enough
Within the darkness, you were the light
That shines away
You’re trapped in violence, I can be the man
That saves the day

I’m there for you
No matter what
I’m there for you
Never giving up
I’m there for you
For you

Someone has changed me, something saved me
Now this is who I am
Although I was blinded, my heart let me find that
Truth makes a better man
I didn’t notice that you were right in front of me
A mask of silence, we’ll put away so we can see

I’m there for you
No matter what
I’m there for you
Never giving up
I’m there for you
For you

For you

Within the darkness, you are the light
That shines away
In this blind justice, I can be the man
That saves the day

I’m there for you
No matter what
I’m there for you
Never giving up

You know it’s true
You were there for me
And I’m there for you
For you
For you
For you