It’s been a while. I have been very busy so far in life. Aside from work, I have school and loads of assignments that just never ends. I never thought that taking a part-time Master Programme would feel as if I am doing this full time. On the up-side, work hasn’t been terribly crushing for me, but I do feel the pressure from time to time. Not from work mind you, but from school. God how I miss school.
I look forward to school actually. There is something about actually heading your way to classes. It never fails to remind what life was like when I was a student back in NTU. The carefree days. Yeah, lessons can be boring, exams can be stressful. But having that feeling of youthful exuberance is something I miss a lot.
So far, it’s all about work and school, work and school. Life is monotonous. My social life is practically gone. I haven’t been playing any video games every since school started and my gaming PC is just not doing much at the moment. Not that I am complaining, I still like my rig very much and I am still proud that I built it from scratch. It is my work, my art, and I get to see it every day. Just not being able to use it as it was meant to, is a little sad.
How shall I put it? Depressed? Not to that extent. My days are just filled with gray I guess. I am looking forward to my solo trip to Canada at the end of April. I guess what motivated me to do a solo trip out of the blue, was probably I forgot what it feels like to be alive. To be truly alive. Trying to sense that hint of danger in the midst of an adventure. I am dead inside. I am going through life like a zombie. Waking up, working, going to classes, doing my assignment. Rinse and repeat. Week, after week, after week. Where is that pause button? Why is there no pause button? I just need to press it and everything will go silent, and I can head to a beach or somewhere quiet, and I can finally hear the breeze, the rustling of leaves, and pitter-patter of rain, the thunderstorms, the gentle waves, the crickets during the afternoon sun. I just need to still my heart and my calm my mind. I don’t want to hear alarm bells, the sound of trains, public announcements, babies crying in their prams, people talking on their phones, the cacophony of humanity. I just want peace and quiet.
Looking back, I think I remember telling myself to bite the bullet. To hold on to the hardship and difficulty of going through work and school together. To make it through so that you can finally graduate. Slug it out for 2 damn years. Well, it’s been 2 months and it felt like 2 years and never gonna end. I’ve really forgotten what’s it like to be truly alive. I am dead inside.
My friends are moving on. And what am I doing? Stuck in a dead-end job, and going back school. This is depressing. You have no idea how badly I crave for a drink. To get myself shit drunk. It’s a temporary solution. But it’s a solution I don’t mind having. Just to get rid of the numb feeling inside me. It’s all frozen. I need something to warm it up. A drink, at a bar, striking up some decent conversations with total strangers, without motive, judgment or care in the world. Probably that is what I am going to do while I’m overseas.
Speaking about conversations, I need one badly. Silence is killing me. I need to talk to someone. Anyone who is willing to listen. I listen and listen. I give and give. But is anyone willing to listen to me? An hour? 30 minutes? 15 minutes? Over coffee? Look. Look at all the things I have written above. There is so much I want to say, but no one will listen. This is my outlet. A stop gap measure. This is my punch bag. My ear. My companion. Sometimes my only companion. A one-way listening post.
I cannot wait the day I leave this place and go to a land far far away.