I wish..

Sometimes I wish that I could be more courageous, more confident about myself. To fully accept who I really am and not think too much about how others look at me. In a perfect world, it would seem that everyone would be understanding and accepting towards one another. But everyone has their own insecurities about themselves. Moments of doubt, lurking like a shadow with complete disregard, but follows you wherever you go.

There are moments in my life where if I could just be a little bit more courageous, I could potentially have so much more out of life. I have nothing to complain about my current situation. I love my life don’t get me wrong. A good roof over my head, a loving family, a wide circle of friends and support network who will definitely help me  at a moment’s notice to survive through my darkest days should I seek them out.

But there are other aspects of my life that I am not proud of. One that I could never reveal to anyone. One that I would potentially have to keep it to myself  all the way to my grave. And it is because of that, I feel that I find it extremely difficult to come to terms in accepting who I really am. Because ultimately, who I am is just a front to show to my friends and family. It is a version of me that I put up so that I can protect my true self. Of all the people I have I have encountered in my life, I don’t think there is truly anyone that would understand who I really am. There is no one yet that I have met, that could see through this veil that I am putting up. I am still waiting for that one person to do just that. To lift the veil and see for him or herself who I really am, understand the true me and accept the true me without any judgments of preconceived notions.

Even if I have the courage to reveal, I don’t think I have the courage to accept the consequences, to shake up my own little world, threatening what I have built. The relationships, the history, the memories. All could potentially be ruined. It seems that in my head, I live in an extremely lonely world, for that world is locked up deep in my heart, away from prying eyes. It is a world that represents my true self, and yet I would not invite anyone from entering it, unless he or she knows that such a world exist.

 

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